I've had a criminal few days. I have overindulged in everything i shouldt have, lol. But anyway; deal with it and move on... i cant go back in time so its forgotten. Tomorrow, a new day... havent been able to weigh myself so i dont know the full extent of the damage, hehe but i will update once i know what it is :)

So i eat fine throughout the day but for some reason, when i hit the evening after about 8pm, i'm hungry ;/ which doesn't really help when you tell yourself not to eat after 7pm blahda blahda blahda

Anyway, i've made my own soup, which is delicious (i'll put the recipe below incase anybody wants to try it, its yummy but all to do with personal preference, i guess) The great thing is that all the vegetables i used in my soup i dont like on their own and so its a great way to eat vegetables i wont eat as part of a meal.

I choose to make smooth soup as i cant stand lumpy bits and so i literally shove everything into a saucepan add lots of water and away we go. Then once all the veggies are cooked i blend it;

2 sticks of celery
Approx 4 inches of leek
1 courgette
1 chicken stock cube
1 small potato
3 carrots
Handful of green runner beans
Pepper
Paprika

Then once its all blended add tomato puree (as much or as little as you want)

So yeah, i've made a big batch and i'm going to live off it for a few days, just to give myself a kickstart and because my body needs lots of vitimins instead of the usual salt, sugar and preservatives. Then i'm going to start introducing other foods and figure out what agrees with me and what doesn't. I've found out i usually crave things that make me ill (such as bread) but i've started eating pitta bread instead which has really helped.

Anyway I'm currently at 245 lbs - I'm hoping i can lose a fair bit of weight this month, although i'm not setting myself a target as such because i dont really know how much is realistic, so i'll just do what i'm doing and see how i did at the end of the month.

I'm moving back to university today and so i will start back at the gym on friday as i will need tomorrow to settle in and such like. Can't wait to get back to my exercise.

Anyhow thats all for now :)

I hope 2006 has been everything you wished for. So New year? That famous time of year where you reflect on the past, dream about the future and think about the things you want yourself to remember throughout the year. Sometimes we wish for things we can’t have, like losing weight yesterday, wishing we could undo and not say all those things that haunt you. But remember... make mistakes, deal with them and then learn from them... it’s that little reminder that you’re not perfect and it’s okay.

There are so many regrets we hold, often weighing us down as we hold onto them. I wanted to write about some of mine because i'm certain many people share these with me and i hope that by having the courage to write these down that i can hold myself accountable to do something about it, so that next year i wont be here thinking about the same old regrets. Here goes...

Not saying what needed to be said or doing what needed to be done in fear of hurting those around me.

Not standing up for myself and then later saying the wrong thing at the wrong time because I’d let it all build up.

Not having the courage to take responsibility for my feelings (love, hate, anger...) by not telling people how i really feel. Also taking the wrong amount of responsibility; feeling too guilty for something I couldn’t control, taking the blame for things that aren’t my fault to make situations go away, being quick to blame other people when I could have done something to change things.

Being secretive about how I’m feeling and coping with life in fear of disappointing people and making them angry or upset, or making them not like me.

Sometimes working too much so I don’t have to live life... using work as an excuse not to rest, sleep, face emotions, have fun, go out with friends... in fear of getting it wrong, not being "normal" or not belonging.

So there it is in writing... the words so delicately honest that you realise all those reasons you never wrote them down before. I've often found myself stumbling around in the dark, trying to figure out the point when i became something i didn't want to be; and it was as simple as switching on the light. For so long i have been searching for self acceptance, self love or whatever other names it might go by, but really what i was searching for was honesty.

"Be true to yourself"

Thats what i want, to be true to myself and who i am and this year all the things i want are for me and not about pleasing others; losing weight, learning to drive, maintaining a healthy relationship with a guy, saving money and becoming more organised.

Someone once said worrying is like a rocking chair, its something to do but never gets you anywhere... They were right and i'd just like to leave this entry with one thought:

I haven't failed; i've just found 10,000 ways that don't work (Thomas Edison)

So yesterday i started my new health kick. That seems slightly weird to say as for so long i've tried to get healthy by being unhealthy, if that makes sense.

Anyway, the day was okay, i didn't particularly eat healthy food (that's quite hard whilst i'm living at home) but i didn't overeat and so that made up for those extra calories. Today i've not ate too badly but with it being New Years eve i'm off out to a party soon. It's not so much my calorie consumption from food i'm worried about, more the alcohol, but i'll just go with the flow. It's not the end of the world if i overindulge.

Since christmas i've been doing a lot of thinking, as usual, about myself, my life, the past year, the year ahead and so on. I'm sure tomorrow i'll be doing some journaling about what i've been thinking and such like, so you never know it might be interesting, watch out for it :)

I'm moving back to university on wednesday even though i dont start lectures until the 15th. I'm really looking forward to that, as thats where my gym membership is, i've missed it since i've been back home (a whole week yesterday, hehe)

It's awfully windy here in England but hey, thats typical British weather for you. So yeah thats about it for now as i'll be posting more tomorrow... but i'm going to leave it on this thought;

In 2007 be sure to break the rules, laugh uncontrollably and never forget anything that made you smile.

Have a good new year!

Whoop for my new journal, yay!

So i've decided to create a new journal because i feel that my old one is a part of me i want to leave behind.

Although year after year i promise myself that i will lose weight, i am determined to do it this year. I'm 5"5/5"6 i'm not entireley sure, but anyway, i weigh in at about 251lbs (eeek, i've put so much weight on over christmas)

Anyway i can't go back in time and not put on the weight, and feeling guilty and like a failure isn't going to help and so that is my starting point... 251lbs

I'm hoping to get down to 133lbs, but i've never been thin so i don't know really what my ideal weight would be (but that seems like a healthy weight from what i've been reading about) I'm 18, and have literally been obese my whole life, i think i first went on a diet when i was a child, and nothings ever worked. I don't think i've been trying hard enough because i just seem to get bigger and bigger. Anyway from my calculations that means i'm looking to lose 118lbs, so yeah, it's going to take a long time... i'm not expecting to lose it overnight (no matter how much i wish i could)

I'm going back to university (i live away from home) in 4 days and wont be returning until my birthday in March and so i'm hoping that i can lose a good amount of weight (although realistic) so i will feel much better in myself when i see everybody again, rather than totally stressing out a week before thinking that i'm the same old weight i usually am, let alone put on weight!

Anyway i'm hoping to use my journal to track my progress reguarly, and find some cool people out there who are in the same position as me.

Well i think thats about it :)